By Kathryn Spence
InnerFocus Therapy
Accredited BACP Psychotherapeutic Counsellor, Accredited BABCP CBT Therapist, EMDR Therapist
16 August 2024
Firstly, who am I?
I’m a Psychotherapeutic Counsellor at my core, which means I value the therapeutic relationship at the forefront of therapy, without it no-one is going to feel able to open up, share or make any changes they need to. It also means that the relationship between therapist and client is collaborative, mutual and balanced and I believe everyone has the capacity to change and reach their individual and unique potential.
I am fully qualified and experienced in the following therapies, and use a combination of these to meet clients' individual needs and achieve their therapy goals:
Transactional Analysis
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
Trauma-Informed Therapy
Eye Movement Desensitisation & Reprocessing Therapy
Couples Therapy
So, what is therapy?
Therapy or counselling is a place for you to explore yourself, your relationships, your feelings, your thoughts, your past. It’s your time for you; a unique experience in this way – when else do we have time to focus solely on ourselves without having to share the space? That doesn’t mean we’re alone in it though, we’re not. Our Therapist is there WITH US.
In therapy with myself, as an Integrative Psychotherapeutic Counsellor, we work as a team, you are the expert in your own experience and I am skilled at understanding the development of people, especially how our early experiences influence our present and what maintains your negative experiences in the here and now.
What do I need to DO in therapy?
You need to talk about the issues you want to work on, avoidance is a problem in life and in therapy – you avoid going somewhere, you won’t be able to process it, heal from it, change it or overcome it. But it’s not as simple and ‘just talking’, it’s also about feeling and connecting to what you are sharing.
But most importantly, it includes being open to change – in beliefs and behaviours – in session but also out of the session, applying any new insights and learning into everyday life.
Unfortunately, therapy won’t work if you aren’t ready to open up and be honest. Let go of holding up a front or trying to present your best self to your therapist. Therapists are professionals, we’ve heard it all, and you’re really not going to alarm us by opening up or by getting upset. You don’t need to downplay the severity of your issues and you don’t need to sculpt your answers to make them fit a certain diagnosis either. Therapy can feel scary, and you may need to be a bit vulnerable. But that’s how it’ll end up helping.
Therapy is typically just 1 hour per week (actually the therapeutic hour is 50 minutes), that leaves another 167 hours (+10 minutes!) a week. If learning is not applied to the rest of your week then it’s going to have a limited effect.
How does change happen?
We learn to dance the dance of others through adaptation as a child within our development years (0-25 years). Children are particularly good at adapting to their environment and in their relationships to get their needs met and to be taken care of and loved (see my other Blog on the Moral Defence), so the systems developed in childhood are very well worn. And they all have protective functions, e.g.:
Social Anxiety helps protect us from embarrassment and social rejection.
Depression helps us withdraw from life and others so we don’t ‘fail’ and people don’t reject the negative view we have about ourselves.
OCD may helps us by giving us a sense of control over something when we may be experiencing uncontrollable danger in our lives.
We may learn to worry (Generalised Anxiety) in an attempt to find certainty and avoid future problems.
Low self-esteem develops as we tend to blame ourselves for bad things that happened in our childhood and we develop strategies to adapt to our environment that may be adaptive as a child but are detrimental to us later. E.g. trying to be perfect, be strong, be pleasing, self-medicate.
We can get stuck in hypoarousal / dissociative disorders, which were adaptive at the time of abuse or trauma, but disrupt functioning now we’re safe.
We may have learned to dissociate from traumatic experiences in order to not be overwhelmed, but then later this remains stored as unprocessed trauma in the body and lead to physical health conditions, e.g. chronic pain, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Non-Epileptic Seizures.
These problems, which have brought us to therapy, and are having such a disruptive effect on our lives and functioning, all had positive functions at the time they formed, with all the best intentions in the world. But now, they are out of date and causing consequences such as effecting our wellbeing, physical health, we may be having difficulties maintaining relationships, holding down jobs, getting stuff done! So, firstly we need to understand why we do what we do, appreciate the positive intentions, update these strategies with our fully developed Pre-Frontal Cortex and do things differently. This does mean doing things differently and it takes practice and repetition to learn new ways!
The good news is that we can do this, our brain and body are amazing at self-healing and learning new ways of acting. This in turn, will change how we think and how we feel. The process is called Neuroplasticity.
You may have heard the phrase "what fires together, wires together" and it is absolutely true! You have some old wires, but you can create new ones to replace them!
And just to reiterate – you are not alone in this journey. Relationships are healing, so you will be with your therapist as you do this. And hopefully with people who are supporting you outside of the therapy room too.
What can I do between sessions or in advance of therapy to help?
Get a therapy folder
Get a folder to keep your notes, any handouts, any other resources all in one place so you can quickly find what you’re looking for now, and in the future.
Bring a note pad and pen
A lot can happen in a therapy hour – new learning, new reflections, new feelings and it can be helpful to note these down so they’re not forgotten. Alternatively, if you’re more tech, then find a place in your phone to make notes in the session. You can even ask your therapist if you can record sessions so you can listen to them again later (this should only be done with consent from both parties).
Journalling
Most people have heard of journalling, but what is it? There are various different forms:
Reflective Journalling – reflect on a period of time (this could be the last hour, day, week, month, year, your childhood) and write what comes to mind. What happened? How did it make you feel? What did you think? How did you behave? What were the benefits / consequences? What did you learn? What do you want to do differently next time something like this happens?
Gratitude or Positive Journalling – our brains have the habit of looking for negatives, this is adaptive as it helps us stay safe by looking for problems and threats, however it doesn’t do much for our mental health! Start to get in the habit of looking for positives. What are you grateful for today? What can I be grateful for in my life? What positive qualities do you have? What went well today? What makes me happy? Who do I value? Who makes me feel positive in life? What compliment can I give myself today? Has anyone given me a compliment recently I can remember and feel positive about?
Visual Journalling – you can use photographs of yourself or others in your journal and write the things that you’d like to say to the person in the photograph. This might be your younger self, a relative or friend you can’t open up to right now, or someone you’ve lost in your life.
Free writing – this is a way to get your raw thoughts and emotions down on paper. You start to write everything that comes to mind. It doesn’t matter if it makes sense or not, it doesn’t matter if you go off on tangents. Just decide how long you want to write for and keep writing until the end of the allotted time, even if you feel like stopping.
If you don’t like writing, you can also do your journalling via images, scrap booking, drawing, painting, audio recordings, video recordings – any way that best meets your needs.
Time to reflect after the session
Sessions can bring out a lot of thoughts and feelings, some sessions more than others, so it can be useful to plan your day around your sessions. Try and minimise stressors before your appointment so you’re in the right head space for the session. And after the session, it can be useful to have time to relax, soothe and reflect before having to go straight back into life tasks.
Self Care
I can’t keep count of the number of times I have been told that my clients can feel tired and fatigued after a session. We can feel the effects of an adrenaline crash or just tired in the body after delving into ‘stuff’ in therapy. So try and take it easy for the rest of the day and don’t over-book activities on therapy days.
In addition, we continue to process learning and material post the therapy session. Alcohol can prohibit this, as well as intensify your emotions, so it’s recommended to not use alcohol the night before a therapy session or for the next 24 hours following a session.
Eating well and engaging in moderate exercise can also be a helpful way to look after ourselves whether we’re in (or out) of therapy. Remember we get our energy from food, so we need a balanced intake of carbs, protein, fats and fruit & veg.
Seek support
We often withdraw into ourselves when we’re anxious or depressed, and especially when we feel shame. As a result, we don’t open up, share or get support. However, it is positive relationships which heal us. We are social creatures and it is through relationships with safe people which regulates our nervous system. Seek out people who are supportive and spend time with them, share with them, even co-opt them to be a therapist in your real world.
Some things to remember
You need to go at your pace in therapy, not too fast and deep that it dysregulates you. But that said, as humans, we’re good at avoiding physical and emotional pain and so sometimes we try and avoid what we need to really address in therapy, which means we may go too slow, or even sideways and backwards. Therapy shouldn’t be comfortable or overwhelming; we need to aim for some discomfort.
Sometimes there can be a rupture in the therapeutic relationships, therapists aren’t perfect and can get it wrong, or say the wrong thing or in the transference something can be projected and trigger us. If this happens, please feel free to tell your therapist. Therapy is YOUR time, it needs to be the best it can be for you, any therapist worth their salt will listen to you, won’t act defensively to the problems you raise and help work out solutions to best suit you.
When you feel ready to end therapy, because you’ve gotten to where you want to be or because you need a break or it’s not the right time to continue, you are allowed to tell your therapist. You don’t need to drop out and disappear, this stops us experiencing healthy endings. Also, you don’t need to just continue when you don’t want to. Again, therapy is YOUR time and you are in control of it.
I hope this blog has helped you know what to expect from therapy, or at least therapy with myself, as I cannot talk for all therapists of course! As well as helped you understand how you might make the most from therapy, and how to support yourself throughout the process.
Please follow me on Social Media for more information:
Facebook: @innerfocustherapynewcastle
Instagram: innerfocustherapy
I am an accredited therapist and offer in-person therapy in Newcastle upon Tyne (UK) as well as online therapy within the UK. Please contact me to enquire about therapy:
Sources
Surviving A Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem. (2005). Freda B. Friedman & Kimberlee Roth.
https://www.adbra.co.uk/how-to-journal-the-ultimate-guide
I have been a therapist for many years and thus cannot reference where I have learned all theories and aspects that I have covered in this book, however, I have listed key texts and sites which have shaped my thinking.
Images and graphics – Canva www.canva.com
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